Being Borderline

Approximately a year ago I was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, severe anxiety, and depression. I had assumed something was up with my noodle long before that day, but I never thought there was an explanation for all the weird things swirling around in my mind. Though frightened of the idea that I have something within me that isn't just a "fix it and move on" kind of thing, that I would be battling everyday for essentially the rest of my life against something I can't always see, or hear, and understand...I was also relieved. I was relieved that there was a rhyme or reason to the issues I was having. I was relieved that I wasn't alone. I was relieved that maybe someday I could gain some sort of control over myself again. They say knowledge is power. (Who are "they" anyway?) The definition of BPD is as follows (per-googling the definition.) You are diagnosed based on the DSM-IV-TR. Aka: The psych-bible. The reality is, more people are affected by this than you'd think. Recent studies estimate that 18 million (at least) Americans are showing the primary symptoms of this illness. Borderline Personality Disorder: A personality disorder characterized by severe mood swings, impulsive behavior, and difficulty forming stable personal relationships There are nine criteria to be met for symptoms being defined as possible BPD. *Scared or frantic effort to avoid real or imaginary abandonment. (This one is possibly the most common) *Rocky personal relationships consistently *Little to no sense of who you are (lacking identity) *Spontaneous or reckless self-damaging behavior (anything from eating too much, having reckless sex, gambling, stealing, drugs) *Multiple suicidal ideation, suicidal actions, or self-harming behaviors. (cutting, burning, hair pulling, scratching, etc) *Serious mood swings lasting from either mere minutes to hours, occasionally days. (This is what separates the often confusion with Bipolar, the length of the mood swings.) This also includes immediate or situational stresses *Always feeling empty. Like there's a gaping hole within yourself. *Exhibiting incorrect bouts of anger *Fleeting stress related paranoia or the feeling of unreality. There. After that brief little breakdown of some of the finer, more important points of BPD, I just want to say...having all nine of these myself...life can be difficult. And even if life isn't difficult, in my head, I make it so. I have been accused of refusing to "be optimistic." I've been asked why can't I just try harder and just roll with the punches life sends my way. The thing I would like to clear up, and some of the most essential things I think I can say are; This isn't who I want to be. This isn't who I'm choosing to be. I'm not like you, so therefore how could I act like you? I am trying. And that has to be enough for those around me right now. I won't let these illnesses define me, I won't let them beat me... But they are a part of me.