Work, work, work, work, work....

There is a ginormous hunk of life taken up by working to get paid. Working to be able to live. Working to help others. Working to change lives. Working to survive. Lately it's all I can think about. I recently changed jobs. I left good pay, insurance, and a pension to get out of the very stressful and thankless job that is Emergency Medicine. I left it for very little, as all I could think about was moving on, doing anything else. I thought anything else that kept me from the constant fight or flight response that I had been living in would be worth the pay cut. I underestimated the exact amount of cut I would take...which was about two thirds of my former wages, gone. The new job isn't the worst by any means. It's simple. Incredibly easy. Boring in comparison to EMS. I don't have to drive in bad weather. I don't have to deal with awful, disgusting situations. I don't have to worry if I'd get sleep at night or if I'd have a late transfer or call. It truly is a relief to get real sleep, to not worry so much. Unfortunately, the job I have now does not pay enough to get by. So not only am I less than stimulated, but I can barely afford my bills. Which really puts a damper on showing up and performing my job, knowing it's not nearly enough to support the life I live. And I live a modest life. My husband and I are paycheck to paycheck people, we enjoy our home, we enjoy doing things occasionally. But like most middle class workers these days, we get by with little to put away. And that's enough for me. I don't need a lot to be happy. SO! I need to make a change. Either a change of job entirely, going for something else full time, going back to EMS part-time and hoping to get enough hours to scrape by (which I could probably make part time what I make full time here) or trying something else part time. I'd try to do this job and a part-time job but unfortunately I don't have a steady schedule to be able to work around, and I don't think it would be fair to ask my current job to work around another place of employment. Should I go back to college? Should I try to find a new trade? Go back to EMS? I don't know. I'm neck deep in confusion and I wish there was a lifeline to call to give me advice or the right answer. As they say in one of my favorite novels, though..."The world is not a wish granting factory." I'm trying to make the best of what I have, and trying to keep my head above water. I don't have a clue what to do. As much as I want to sound deep and philosophical...I feel completely and utterly screwed.

Being Borderline

Approximately a year ago I was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, severe anxiety, and depression. I had assumed something was up with my noodle long before that day, but I never thought there was an explanation for all the weird things swirling around in my mind. Though frightened of the idea that I have something within me that isn't just a "fix it and move on" kind of thing, that I would be battling everyday for essentially the rest of my life against something I can't always see, or hear, and understand...I was also relieved. I was relieved that there was a rhyme or reason to the issues I was having. I was relieved that I wasn't alone. I was relieved that maybe someday I could gain some sort of control over myself again. They say knowledge is power. (Who are "they" anyway?) The definition of BPD is as follows (per-googling the definition.) You are diagnosed based on the DSM-IV-TR. Aka: The psych-bible. The reality is, more people are affected by this than you'd think. Recent studies estimate that 18 million (at least) Americans are showing the primary symptoms of this illness. Borderline Personality Disorder: A personality disorder characterized by severe mood swings, impulsive behavior, and difficulty forming stable personal relationships There are nine criteria to be met for symptoms being defined as possible BPD. *Scared or frantic effort to avoid real or imaginary abandonment. (This one is possibly the most common) *Rocky personal relationships consistently *Little to no sense of who you are (lacking identity) *Spontaneous or reckless self-damaging behavior (anything from eating too much, having reckless sex, gambling, stealing, drugs) *Multiple suicidal ideation, suicidal actions, or self-harming behaviors. (cutting, burning, hair pulling, scratching, etc) *Serious mood swings lasting from either mere minutes to hours, occasionally days. (This is what separates the often confusion with Bipolar, the length of the mood swings.) This also includes immediate or situational stresses *Always feeling empty. Like there's a gaping hole within yourself. *Exhibiting incorrect bouts of anger *Fleeting stress related paranoia or the feeling of unreality. There. After that brief little breakdown of some of the finer, more important points of BPD, I just want to say...having all nine of these myself...life can be difficult. And even if life isn't difficult, in my head, I make it so. I have been accused of refusing to "be optimistic." I've been asked why can't I just try harder and just roll with the punches life sends my way. The thing I would like to clear up, and some of the most essential things I think I can say are; This isn't who I want to be. This isn't who I'm choosing to be. I'm not like you, so therefore how could I act like you? I am trying. And that has to be enough for those around me right now. I won't let these illnesses define me, I won't let them beat me... But they are a part of me.